最终,我还是失去你了..

上一次吵架后,可能是我太过分了吧..从此你就没再找我了..初初还天真地以为你在忙着考试,另一方面也给我时间'降火'..可原来我错了,大错特错..他不但没有找我,而且是打算永远不理我了..

记得他有说过,如果他有心避开他讨厌的人,他就会做到绝..没想到,那个人竟然会是我..
是怎样个心情啊?真的很难受..真的难受..很复杂的情绪,就像我们的关系一样...

天真的我,还以为他真的会实现他的诺言,考完试会来找我,任我抱任我发泄对他的思念..原来不是的...原来男人对诺言的重视程度,普通得像是说话一样..还以为他会不一样,毕竟他不是我以前的他..我真的错了..每个男人都一样,是经过证实才写的..有问过几个要好的男同学,朋友,他们也承认说谎是男人的本性..所以结论是,不要太相信男人..有30%就已经很不错了..(枉我以前还放足80%-90%...现在不会那么笨了...难怪人人都说我好骗,我果然好骗呐...笨蛋!!)

其实身为一个女生,我应该做的都做了..简讯传了,电话打了,也托朋友问候他了..可是他一点反应都没有..失望..可能他真的挥了那把剑,那么不流余力,那么狠的,斩断了所有的藕断丝连,以后也不会'后段悬念依旧'...他真的做到了..应该恭喜他吧!还是恭喜自己?朋友们都说他不会是个好伴侣,我们在一起结果也只是会像我和前男友一样,而且可能这次会跌得更伤..旧患加新伤,真的会一振不撅...现在已经在吊点滴了..唉..

会在想,他是不是看了我的blog才作出这样的决定?还是他真的想专心做好他的直销和功课,其他的什么都不想?如果真是这样,唯有祝他锦绣前程了..不知道哪里看过这样的一句话,'失恋的痛苦多半是随着自尊心受到伤害而来的,要避免再受伤,就不要再对他表白你的爱情'...很有意思的一句话...而我也打算这样做..与其继续向他表白然后再受伤,不如把那份情感收起来,那它有可能会维持久一些,就算是一个人在夜晚黯然哭泣也不怕,因为至少心不是空的...对吧?我是这样想的...

有回忆总是好的,就算是不好的回忆,它们也算是你人生的一部分..和他们,就算大部分的回忆是不好的,可也存在着甜蜜的啊..就算只有那么一点点,也够了..人不好那么贪心..偶尔想起以前的种种,嘴角也会不期然地上扬..(所以有很多人说我每次一个人在傻笑,都是你们害的啦!!)

反正从以前就知道不会有结果,现在不过是证实了我的想法而已..只不过是希望破灭而已嘛,我都不是第一次的啦..很快就没事了..是的,一定是这样的...只要这样相信着,希望很快就会重生了..我可是惠婷咧..哪有那么容易垮的,对吗?...是的,一定是的...(好像有点神经时常了,怎么在自问自答?...爱疯了..哈..)

P/S:会写那么多对他的感情,不是想向他表白什么,而是认定他不会再来了...不然哪来的勇气啊!!....平时都是用手写的,现在想尝试用打的..效果一样好哦..心情好多了..哈..希望每个人都是开心并且是幸福的活着的!!祝福你们,祝福自己.. >.<

假期的开始?

考完试了,好不容易挨过了..这次,说真的,没什么信心...
而且,就算真的考到了他想我考到的,我也不再可能得到他给过的承诺了..
假期理所当然就是回家咯...三个星期没回家了..回到来又要收拾房间...发觉房间越来越小了..是因为杂物太多了吧!
家人(尤其是妈)总把有的没的放在我房..唉...变成杂货房了啦!!(幸好床位还在..)
没法子咯..收拾一下就没事了..
刚才吃晚餐时,妈讲我放假等于放监...而我却觉得,我还在监牢里面..只是环境地点不一样而已..
3个星期后,又要回去另一间牢房了...

受伤

插一把刀子在一个人的身体里，再拔出来，伤口就难以愈合了。
无论你怎么道歉，伤口总是在那儿。
要知道，身体上的伤口和心灵上的伤口一样都难以恢复。

miss / missed you?

2 days u didnt online..maybe u r busy for your exam and i'm understand that..but u know...i'm so scare that what i thought would happen..that u have found ur 'sword' and u've decided to putus our 'ou duan si lian', so that we could never able to influence each other anymore...maybe this's a very good chance, for u to do that..

actually i'm a bit regret after i send the msg..which i said that i dont mind u use that 'sword'..and as long as u'd decided to putus our 'ou duan si lian', i'll promise that never going to miss u, cares bout u,anything else...i'm oways like tat..do things without think carefully...juz depends on the 'spot feelings'..

maybe that time i'm really angry with u,feel nothing with ur cares,ur msg..but soon i feel that u r getting to leave me soon..maybe started from now,ur exam is finished,but still i cant c u online..whole day i've been waiting..juz hope to c u..know that u'd never blocked me as wat he'd done,know that u r still willing to chat with me..

u've said before..that if u really wanna to putus relationship wit a person,u'll keep the person as far as u can..blocked him/her at msn,frenster etc,never answer their call,read their msg,even if u meet them on the road u'll still pretend that u dont know them..n they'll be totally out of ur life..now i'm scared..i scare i'll be one of them..i do not dare to msg orcall u..coz i scare i'll get wat i thought..i scare i'll be out of ur life,even when i meet u i have to pretend that i dont know u..i scared that when i meet u with another girl,i have to pretend i've seen nothing,like wat i have to to edison..u know how hard to do that?how the feeling would be?think u'd never know..coz u r owayz the pampered one..except ur ex,u wouldnt be have chances to get hurt..but why muz u go n hurt ppl wor..dont u know that i'm worry bout u?dont u know that wat i said is juz some anger word?

we r the same type of ppl..that cares our 'face' so much..when we done sth wrong,we'd never really appologize,juz let time to 'clear' the mistake...n that now..i've got back what i'd done..now,i'm missing u,lotz...out of my expectation..my frenz oways remind me,never return to that path,he'd hurt u so much,he wasnt the worth person..haiz..what should i do?follow wat they'd told me?

now i'm following their ways..n wat i found us just i'm getting to hate u more than before,n miss u more than wat i think i was...i wanna go back to the past..with u..ppl say i'm pesimistic..i should look forward to future instead of looking back..

in other words,they r right..in studies,i'm looking forward..i try to ignore the mistake i've done in the last peper n looking forward to other papers..but when it comes to relationship,i couldnt do that...the more i step forward,the more i'll go backwards..i duno what i'm thinking,what i'm trying to be now..maybe as wat my fren said,now is juz a proses...after u'd gone through it..everything will be fine..

hope so..everything will be fine..even after i missed you..everything will be fine..

因为爱

总是很容易为了某些人流泪，可不会在他面前哭。
总是很容易在某些人面前哭，却不会为他而流泪。

i'm confused...

Yesterday when i was preparing for my final,u'd sent me a quest...(actually i left my hp at room then oni realised the msg when i return back to take sth)...it's a good quest actually..suits sb like us (book worm....) very much..at least all of us (study group members) canot answer it...keep on creating formulae..sigh..as it was just a simple quest n answer..that time really 'cha dou'..but the quest comes on time, as we r going to squeeze our brain jiuce to solve that irritatin account quest..ha...n i've actually broken my rules that never call u this few months (due to my monthly bill...)...juz for that answer..y am i no principle de a?haiz....


but the second ones,really make me angry liao...after the 1st quest,i've penuh dengan semangat..to continue my preparation but not to answer ur so called 'IQ question'...so i choose not to answer it(but still got reply with a silly answer la..ha..)...that time my mood edy bcome neutral liao..(from alkali to neutral, but duno when will bcome acid oni..)i knew the answer is wrong,but dun need to say ppl stupid, no brain gua...awal awal edy tell u so many times bout my pantang de la..but i endure u..1st time..but most terlampau is,u really make me angry u bout that msg...really really..


when u noticed my anger n appologise,i've edy decided not to reply u anymore...at least not to forgive u easily...that's wat i really does...didnt reply any of ur msg...1st is bcoz of i'm busy, 2nd is i'm still agry...(very xiao qi hor?ha...)
around 1 sth u msg me,ask me whetther i zzz edy or not..actually i havnt zzz yet..is juz going to zzz..still i choose not to reply..not bcoz i'm angry..it's juz like i dont need to reply..


the feeling very strange..if last time i sure fast fast reply u before i zzz..but this time..haiz..duno how to say oso..is like u r not that important to me liao...at least dont need to wake up n reply u..even i never reply u still i can zzz nicely..it's not like last time anymore..midnite oso wake up n reply u..is it means that u r not important anymore?i'm really confused..or actually i'm still angry of u,that's y i feel nothing....wondering why...


is that u wanna to see?last time u owayz say that..asked me try not to consider u so important in my life and, i've done it now...but i feel strange anyway...haiz..or my heart kena so mnay times broken-mend-broken-angry-mend-broken.......
that's y now no more feeling liao?antibiotic?narcotic?haiz...me oso duno ler..hope i really ok lar..haiz..

sun rise during exam time...

Study till quite late recently..coz exam coming..haiz..have to do so..but yesterday (erm,it's actually today..) was a little special..besides studying with classmates,as usual.Then go for supper at around 2am and come back study again..even we studied so hard in last sem oso we didnt till such 'early' de..haha..

whole study room left our gang, and a couple..the guy study whole nite at study room but the girl..joined him at 4 sth..obviously she's just wake up..haha.. 'so rajin o..can wake up so early to study..' our gang aggreed.if for us sure kenot wake up such a nice zzzping time..haha..but finally the couple leave,maybe we talk too loud ..the guy juz keep on turning his head..'watching' us..wondering..if we r too loud juz come towards us n say lo..y muz like 'bu shuang' but dun wanna say out..haiz...

maybe bcoz of after eating supper..feel so full..have o wait for digest (dun wan bcome fat pig ma..haha) then oni go sleep...then few of us juz continue to do pass yr..keep on doing n asking....of coz got chat oso .if not where can tahan till sun rise o...haha..but got some of us kenot tahan then go back zzz...6 pl left 4 ppl..

5 am..me kenot tahan liao..(study whole day n nite who can tahan oo..but got a 1 hour nap,my dear clasmate keep on calling to wake me up..haha..thanx ya..) but since 1 mo set of pass yr left..just finish it before zzz la..dun waste it ma..do do do...till almost 6am..when we going to leave,ken say wanna watch sun rise wor..walau eh...so interesting..then all tahan till 6 sth to watch sun rise..geng...haha...

after bath, in the early morning,bcome so semangat liao..go down meet prince they all..sitting on the bench..Prince playing guitar..Ken jogging around ( and found a 'biawak' tim..haha..)...NIc and me discussing the colour of the sky(walau...really nice de...wont forget evrytime i watch sun rise..evrytime oso different feeling..) and listening to Prince...then start singging liao..Nic n I ask Prince to teach us guitar tim..but my nail too long..hard to press correctly..haha..have to cut fingger nail liao..

we sit at there..1st time watching sun rise at hostel..relaxing..especially after studying like hell...suddenly feel like it's all become worth..i miss call him,just feel like wanna share my feeling with him (through a miss call?feeling weird oso..but hope he can understand la..) although he is still sleeping lar...haha...

We stay at there...till the sky become bright...so nice..the feeling..then they go for breakfat..i didnt follow..after watching it,wat semangat oso hilang liao..juz feel sleepy..haha..duno wat time they zzz..but i straight away zzz after enter my room..exhausted..sleep till 2pm..haiz..wasted half day,but it worth..haha

Is it one of the advantages of studying in college n staying outside?like wat we disscussed y'day..i think so la..anyway..all the best in our final lo..Gambatte together la!! :D

I may lost u if i support u

Not surprisingly,u told me that u wanna join LB..coz last time u've edy ask question about it..and i answered..today,u asked whether i'll support u if u join them..i said i will..for whatever u've done or u wanna do,i will owayz support u for sure..sumore u r born to talk,if u join sure u will success...so what's the reason i dont support u?

But the problems come,(after u tell me then oni i realised..) capital is be one of them but i think we can handle it...another is,u scared u will lost urself after joining..ur heart and ur love..cant deny the fact that there are so many talented and pretty young ladies,and they might use u in order for them to success...not all but most of them,u said and i think so...when u succeed (maybe,or maybe no?) u'll be rich adn there wlll be so may things that u can choose to upgrade ur current life...including women..u can find another prettier gal that can help u lots in ur working life and, it's normal for a succeed man,isnt it?but u worried...u'll lost 'u'....

Nothing much to say...just to let u know human beings will change..even now we r together,who knows what will happen in future?we might break oso..as if i've done sth wrong, (even now we'll quarrel , who knows in future whether we'll quarrel more?) i believe the feeling of affinity de..if we r born to be together with each other,even now we dont get to start, in future we still can be together oso de..so..dont need worry lo...

From past time u've edy mentioned..that my most powerful point is my liking u heart and my characteristic...i might not as pretty and talented as other gals but yet u adore my characteirstics...so touching when i hear that...but as u grow elder, ur demand of a gal wont be same as what u think now....people do improve...so do u n i..what if i cant catch up with ur steps? what if i'm not ur taste in future? i'm not sure....but i'm worried bout it...so..it's not just ur problem, the problem comes to me too...cant runaway liao..muz face it bravely this time...last time used to runaway from problems (as wat u said so many times..ha..) but i think this time wont.....have to improve mysef liao..ha..hopefully lar.....

anyway,for what u r going to do,i will owayz support u...no matter how we bcome in the future,at least now i wont regret..

P/S:ppl may thik that why am i so stupid....but the fact is,when u r in love,defenitely u'll bcome stupid de la...dun blame me..ha...

wuiteng

second card

It's your birthday, dont know what to buy,just made a puzzle..but at last only i noticed that the puzzle cant suits u well..haiz..buy another things lo..but what to buy leh..haiz..

Besides present,i'll still make a card de..not everyone could receive my handmade card,coz..it's so precious..ha...juz joking la...just bcoz i'm a lazy person,lazy to make card oso..he is the second guy who received my card..the first guy,he dont knows how to appreciate it..just keep on complaining why didnt i buy a card(to save money he think) but after sending my second card,i realised that all the guys are the same..

The second card takes me whole day and night time...and when i give it to him,he juz like, 'Oo,thank you...' heart breaken..even my classmate will still say i'm really put on lotz of effort on tht card...haiz..never mind la..as long as i'd gve him it's ok liao..

but guys really wont appreciate handmade things de,is it? even when i took back the card he wont realise also (I do take back the card coz feel like not giving i is better, but still i'd put it back on the original place) not going to make card to anyone anymore...hearty broken..haiz...

P/S: have a great time on when hanging out with him(although it's a bit bored) ,enjoy lotz...

I saw u both,but do u saw me too?

i went to ur area for diner, with frenz..after settled down,i saw u..having dinner too. Besides u,there's a girl,with long hair n she's quite thin.. 'Ur new gal?',first thought came into my mind and i knew the answer must be yes.. Quickly i've changed my seat,so that i wont be able to face u both.. 5 mins later,both of u walked past by me,and u didnt noticed me,it's good,maybe..coz i dun wish u to see me again,especially when i'm blur.. Yea,totally blank at that moment..

I did not know that i'll meet u again.. it's not 'meet' actually,coz u didnt 'see' me also..if i could know earlier,i wont go there and eat..i've forced myself try not to go there (only go if neccessary),it is bcoz i dun wanna c u again..i knew i still havnt totally recover yet. Or i should say,i wont be recover?the hurt is there and it's now still there... Even i'm meeting new guys now,even i'm now liking another guy,but why? when i saw u,still i will think back our past?what we've done,what u've said... and the most insulting is,i still feeling sad.. My fren just say that i'm totally blur the whole night,i try not to let them worry but i couldnt.. I tell jokes,laugh out loud but yet they know..that i'm pretending..and they still join me...all pretending to be happy...

Actually the purpose i was there was to buy gift to my existing liking one..but why do God let me c the scene?that he helps her to hold luggage,is tat proven?proved that she's moving to his place...i'm lost..when i saw this..

I still watched them walked away from my sight,there's a thought that,wanna chase up them,feel silly,huh? but still i didnt..what for i chase up to them? to conngrate them? haha...silly ppl silly thinking...

i wist that i really could calm down myself..when i see him the next time,at least not in a lost situation..i think my lovely boy will help me..he alwayz do..for whatever he'd done for me,i appreciate..

hope that he's my 'the one'...cant afford to lose anymore...all the best to myself..and all those visitors' comments..really thanx..